We had a huge pillow.
The kind that engulfs your whole body when you sit on it.
At least, it would if you were six years old.
Though I believe I have forced many memories out of my mind, there are a few that the cells and synapasis and neuron exchanges seem to have left being---a receipt on a soiled table if you will. They are really of no use, but still reflect the item they came from. Me. What I was. It takes five years for your body to fully recycle your cells. We are constantly changing. I am not literally the exact same person I was five years ago, but us humans, we retain some interesting memories triggered by the most bizarre things, they may not be useful to you, or to your neighbor, or the last person to ride in the car with you, but to my identity, they are everything. Single memories usually don't mean much, they don't contain some extraordinary life lessons, but contribute as puzzle pieces to a greater work.
As a child, my awareness was cultured by the dynamic around me. I live in a family of eight souls. None of which are damned. I hope. In a way, I still think of my family as just five of us: Mom, Dad, Jacob, Raquel, and myself. My parents are of Hispanic and German ethnicity. My friends call me Germex.
When I was a real girl, my sister and I played boy-band cd's on our boombox and rocked out to Christian-inspirational-soft-rock. When I was a real girl, my mom would let me make my own eggs in the morning; sometimes, she would even let me scoop my own chocolate milk mix--it reminded me of fish food, and I honestly didn't even like it that much, just the authority of scooping. When I was a real girl, the best part of the day was when my mother would free me from the dreaded 'school room' and allow me to gallop in the sun. I used to but my chin on my hands, laying in the grass, and sit still. After a moment, of staring blankly, I would see bugs squiggling, blades swaying, the earth has a sporadic heart beat.When I was a real girl, I had hooves , cucumber ant squash plants were my gold medal jumping posts. When I was a real girl, I'd take a sip of daddy's ice tea and gag because, it definitely was not iced tea. And then, like a foot squirming into a cramped, laced shoe, I was no longer a real girl. I squished myself into a new reality, suddenly breaking free into something that expands at the same rate of the universe. I'm not sure when I decided it, but I just simply knew it had happened. In that un-nameable time, I became un-real in the sense that I became Aware. While awareness is a product of life, as is knowledge, my awareness came hurdling out of the sky, 8,000 miles per hour (8,000 is divisible by two and nice because if you square two it equals half of 8 and therefore; it's a 'good' number).
It suddenly slowed down and plopped right on my face. Right, on it.
And there you have it. I was an aware little girl. I was aware that every person in my family was entirely different from one another. I was aware that my hair was knotted, my fingernails weren't pretty, and that I had warts on my ankles. I became aware that my dad drank sour liquid that looked like tea, but most definitely wasn't tea. I became aware of how he would stand in our back yard and hold smoke in his right hand. The same hand that pet my little head when it was against his chest. I also became aware that my neighbor (who I was going to marry) also held smoke in his hand sometimes. I felt like I was intruding when I saw them do this, and it's because, well, I was.
I saw what I wasn't suppose to see.--Always, it seemed like. I didn't know this at the time, of course. But looking back, I'm almost positive that my awareness at such an abnormally young age is the reason I am the way I am now --
As a child, I knew how to satisfy the people around me. I gained popularity through awareness. The girls liked someone who would listen to them and pretend to like their girly ideas, and the boys liked someone who challenged them and pretended to hate their boyish ideas. Both of which I legitimately liked and disliked regularly.
Pretty simple, right?
Wrong.
Appealing to those around me was self destructive. Many times, I went against my true desires, but overall, I really just lived a multi-personality life. I was very good at being what everyone wanted me to be at different times. For example, my best friend Allison called me her twin, so naturally, I acted just like her. My mom loved me for being me, and naturally, I acted weird (which was me, I guess). My sister liked me because I was her companion, and because I would have jumped off a cliff after her. For my dad, I was innocent.
And that's how life trucked on.
I was perfect for reading, because that's how the librarian liked me.
I was great at swimming, because my grandma liked the lake house.
I was motivated in everything, because that's what everyone wanted.
One day, while wondering through the yellow halls of my one story houses, (one story houses aren't as 'good' as two story houses, in my childish mind) I realized, I could be me, to my full entirety, as long as nobody else knew. So I was, and that's how I ended where I am now.
...Where am I now?
The question we have all been wondering.
As a child, my awareness was cultured by the dynamic around me. I live in a family of eight souls. None of which are damned. I hope. In a way, I still think of my family as just five of us: Mom, Dad, Jacob, Raquel, and myself. My parents are of Hispanic and German ethnicity. My friends call me Germex.
When I was a real girl, my sister and I played boy-band cd's on our boombox and rocked out to Christian-inspirational-soft-rock. When I was a real girl, my mom would let me make my own eggs in the morning; sometimes, she would even let me scoop my own chocolate milk mix--it reminded me of fish food, and I honestly didn't even like it that much, just the authority of scooping. When I was a real girl, the best part of the day was when my mother would free me from the dreaded 'school room' and allow me to gallop in the sun. I used to but my chin on my hands, laying in the grass, and sit still. After a moment, of staring blankly, I would see bugs squiggling, blades swaying, the earth has a sporadic heart beat.When I was a real girl, I had hooves , cucumber ant squash plants were my gold medal jumping posts. When I was a real girl, I'd take a sip of daddy's ice tea and gag because, it definitely was not iced tea. And then, like a foot squirming into a cramped, laced shoe, I was no longer a real girl. I squished myself into a new reality, suddenly breaking free into something that expands at the same rate of the universe. I'm not sure when I decided it, but I just simply knew it had happened. In that un-nameable time, I became un-real in the sense that I became Aware. While awareness is a product of life, as is knowledge, my awareness came hurdling out of the sky, 8,000 miles per hour (8,000 is divisible by two and nice because if you square two it equals half of 8 and therefore; it's a 'good' number).
It suddenly slowed down and plopped right on my face. Right, on it.
And there you have it. I was an aware little girl. I was aware that every person in my family was entirely different from one another. I was aware that my hair was knotted, my fingernails weren't pretty, and that I had warts on my ankles. I became aware that my dad drank sour liquid that looked like tea, but most definitely wasn't tea. I became aware of how he would stand in our back yard and hold smoke in his right hand. The same hand that pet my little head when it was against his chest. I also became aware that my neighbor (who I was going to marry) also held smoke in his hand sometimes. I felt like I was intruding when I saw them do this, and it's because, well, I was.
I saw what I wasn't suppose to see.--Always, it seemed like. I didn't know this at the time, of course. But looking back, I'm almost positive that my awareness at such an abnormally young age is the reason I am the way I am now --
As a child, I knew how to satisfy the people around me. I gained popularity through awareness. The girls liked someone who would listen to them and pretend to like their girly ideas, and the boys liked someone who challenged them and pretended to hate their boyish ideas. Both of which I legitimately liked and disliked regularly.
Pretty simple, right?
Wrong.
Appealing to those around me was self destructive. Many times, I went against my true desires, but overall, I really just lived a multi-personality life. I was very good at being what everyone wanted me to be at different times. For example, my best friend Allison called me her twin, so naturally, I acted just like her. My mom loved me for being me, and naturally, I acted weird (which was me, I guess). My sister liked me because I was her companion, and because I would have jumped off a cliff after her. For my dad, I was innocent.
And that's how life trucked on.
I was perfect for reading, because that's how the librarian liked me.
I was great at swimming, because my grandma liked the lake house.
I was motivated in everything, because that's what everyone wanted.
One day, while wondering through the yellow halls of my one story houses, (one story houses aren't as 'good' as two story houses, in my childish mind) I realized, I could be me, to my full entirety, as long as nobody else knew. So I was, and that's how I ended where I am now.
...Where am I now?
The question we have all been wondering.
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